A Musing on Religion

I've been having discussions with various people lately about religion.  I've gone from being a practicing Roman Catholic to a Pagan to an almost Buddhist and back to Catholic.  Currently, I'm giving it a lot of thought and consideration about with which I actually vibe. 

It's difficult to break away from the religion of your youth, especially if you came from a family that practices that faith.  My extended family are not practicing Catholics, but my nuclear family practiced.  My father as well as my sister and her family got to church.  I went to a Catholic Mass on Ash Wednesday and once before.  The homily tore at my gut because it's not what I essentially believe.  For instance, although I have moral issues with abortion, I'm pro-choice because I have no right to tell anyone what to do with their body.  I would dropkick someone who tried that with me.  So, as a Catholic, I'm supposed to appose the health care bill because it is pro-choice, or I'm sinning.  We have to remember that all we are is dust, nothing more, and that we go back to dust.  That part made me question:  so, if I'm just dust, do I matter at all or am I just a fleeting mass of particles?  I grew up with the belief that we are all unique and special in God's eyes.  I still believe that so how can I embrace a religion that tells me otherwise? Or that puts women and homosexuals down and judges people left, right and center? Would Jesus be down with this kind of asshattery?  I think not.

One of the tenets of Catholicism  is the veneration of the saints.  I can honestly say I do sometimes pray to the Virgin Mary but I can count on two fingers how many times I've prayed the rosary.  I don't recall ever venerating a saint.  I believe that communion is a symbolic act and not transusbstantiation into the body and blood of Christ.  I think women should be clergy and celebacy should be a choice. So, taking all this into consideration, am I really a Catholic?

The parish I was raised in taught me all this and I embrace these beliefs wholeheartedly.  In visiting other churches, I have come to realize that I was raised in a parish that was Episcopalian beliefs masquerading as a Catholic parish.  Or so I think.  So, I guess when I come down to it, I'm at heart an Episcopalian.

But, I have a resistance to organized religion because of all the bloodshed and wars caused in religion's name.  Would Jesus be happy with THAT kind of asshattery?  Nope.  His message was 'love thy neighbor."  Where does it say slay the crap out of non-believers? 

So, I'm going to check out an Episcopalian church.  See what it's all about.  Religion is becoming more important to me as I deal with my health issues and seriously consider having the hysterectomy.  I have somewhat at peace with it, but I must find a reason why this is happening to me.  What good can I take from this that breaks my heart?  I, who want children so much, cannot have them.  I will be a wonderful mother.  Am I to adopt?  I feel that answer is yes but I want to know why I have the option of bearing my own children taken from me.  The thought of having no children ever is the depths of despair for me.  For me, taking solace in religion helps.  I'll see what the Episcopalians have to say.  I pretty much know that the Catholics would tell me if I had more faith, I wouldn't be so sad about my infertility.  They'd tell me to pray more for a miracle that I don't think will come.